"Nobody sees it. Seeing it is so different, because it's not pretty," said Sophie G., who wishes to remain anonymous.
A woman has revealed her personal battle against mental illness to shed light on the invisible disease.
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Sophie G., 20, who declined to provide her last name, of Buckinghamshire, England, has been living with borderline personality disorder.
With the intention of opening up about what people with her diagnosis battle, Sophie had her boyfriend Alex film her most recent mental breakdown and posted it to Facebook along with an explanation.
“Nobody sees this,” Sophie told InsideEdition.com. “Even if I write about mental health and stuff, nobody sees it. Seeing it is so different, because it’s not pretty. It’s really not adorable. It’s terrifying, sad and really difficult for the people that have seen it and witnessed it properly."
In the video, she can be seen sobbing uncontrollably and mumbling incoherently.
Sophie explained in the post she often has visions during her psychotic breaks. During the height of her illness, she would often see people screaming and covered in blood.
"It’s like seeing both reality and not-reality at the same time,” Sophie explained. “It sort of feels like my eyes aren’t working properly. It’s like if you have a really vivid imagination, but it is in front of you at the same time."
Sometimes, she would even imagine stabbing herself and her boyfriend.
"I got really, really upset because I thought I had actually done these things," Sophie said.
"I believed everything was happening because I hadn’t killed myself," she continued. “I ran away like two or three times. I gathered up a load of knives, and just started collecting them all together like I was preparing to go to battle. I was really scared."
Sophie suspected her condition was triggered by a series of traumas she went through two years ago.
“One of my friends committed suicide and then about two weeks later, I was raped,” she said. “About a month later, one of my friends died in an accident."
But, thanks to a combination of medical treatments and her boyfriend’s support, she explained she was doing a lot better and returning to her regular, bubbly, sociable and personable self.
“I’ve learned to trust Alex more quickly, and trust that he’s not actually lying to me,” Sophie said. “It can become really confusing when literally everything in my head is telling me one thing, but there’s a tiny part of me that’s going, 'Wait, hang on, that doesn’t sound quite right.'"
Despite going through episodes almost daily — sometimes lasting up to six hours — during the height of her illness, Sophie said before the attack she publicized on Facebook earlier this week, the last time she went into an episode was in October. The time before that, she can't even remember.
But Sophie, who took up part time work entertaining at children’s parties dressed up as a princess, said her employer did not feel quite as supportive of her progress. She said she was fired the day after she opened up on social media. At that time, the post was shared more than 10,000 times.
"[My former boss] told me that a lot of people have messaged her complaining," she told InsideEdition.com. “They didn’t think it was appropriate for me to be around children."
She explained even though she felt she could have endangered people around her during her psychotic episodes, she has been in control of her mental illness ever since she started working at the position and would have abstained from work had she felt herself slipping into an episode.
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Sophie said she did not disclose her mental illness to her employer when she was hired, but felt it is for the better she no longer works there.
"Knowing how my boss feels about posting things about mental health … you know, I don’t want to work for somebody like that," she said. "The reactions have been so overwhelming positive, and it’s been great because people are saying how I’ve made them feel like they aren’t alone, and they can tell people how they’re feeling. I want people to be open about it, because hiding makes it worse.
"If I could just make one person feel better, then it’s worth it in my opinion," Sophie said.
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