"I was violating repeatedly my own core values and my own boundaries. In my mind, it was like an investment so I could support my family," she said.
Eight years after being thrust into the international spotlight for her controversial pregnancy, 'Octomom' is opening up about her past in pornography and drug addiction, and how her life has changed since letting go of her negative persona.
Read: The Return of Octomom: Notorious Mother Poses With Her 8 Kids, Now 7 Years Old
Since her octuplets were born eight years ago, Natalie Suleman, better known as "Octomom," has been in and out of the spotlight for various exploits.
When the single mom gave birth in 2009, the public speculated whether she would be able to support all 14 of her children until suspicions were confirmed. In 2012, she filed for personal bankruptcy, claiming up to $1 million in debts.
Her public life eventually became riddled with what she called "self-exploitation," including a brief career in pornography.
"I was violating repeatedly my own core values and my own boundaries," she said in an interview with The Doctors. "In my mind, it was like an investment so I could support my family.
"There's going to be some type of repercussion. For me, that was the manifestation of toxic shame," she continued.
As a result, she said she became addicted to Xanax, for which she eventually checked into rehab.
"In order to continue that cycle with self-exploitation and dehumanization, I had to emotionally numb [myself] with a mood-altering substance," she said. "It was poisonous. It was horrible."
But, the 41-year-old said she made the active decision to break free from the cycle: "It was detrimental to me. I was no longer available at all to my family. I just let it go. I abandoned 'Octomom' and never looked back."
Now, the mother explains her life is dedicated to her family.
"I left 'Octomom.' I went back to my life as a counselor. I went back to protecting my kids, [and] having a happy and healthy life," she said.
Suleman added that from 5 a.m. until late at night, her routine consists of long hours in the kitchen making food for her brood, driving the family around in her 15-seater van, and supervising her children's chores.
"I've always wanted a big family," Suleman said. "We're like a team."
For more on Suleman and her new outlook on life, tune into The Doctors on Tuesday, November 1 for an exclusive celebration of her octuplets' early 8th birthday.
